Jun

So, I survived the 36 hours of silence. AND I did 9 of the 10 hours of meditation (for the hour I missed I decided to go for a hike instead, which I think was a good call).

I have to admit I had a little bit of a mini panic attack last night at about 9:00 (the meditation invoking the silence started at 9:30). In retrospect, I don’t know why I was so freaked out – I actually in the end really enjoyed the silence. Now the actual meditation … in the end, I don’t think it’s for me. At least not mindfulness meditation. I’ll get back to that later.

There were aspects of the day that were easier than I thought, and aspects that were harder than I thought. Going in, I was sure I would feel really restricted not being able to communicate with anyone, and that I would go crazy with nothing but my own thoughts to occupy me. I did miss not being able to call my kids, but I knew they were fine and that Craig was taking good care of them. And the lack of communication with others here was really peaceful – in a lot of ways preferable to all the usual babble that goes on at conferences!

In the beginning, it was just like all the other nights here – we have silence every night from evening meditation through morning meditation. The evening meditation was a very cool lovingkindness meditation – my favorite one so far. She gave us a mantra – “Be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease” – and we started out wishing that for ourselves (“May I be safe, be happy…etc.), then extending it to a loved one “May he be safe…” and so on), then someone we’ve met here, then everyone here, then the whole planet “May we all be safe”, etc.). I really liked that one – it was a great way to calm down and start feeling much more positive about the “mini retreat”.

In the morning, things definitely felt different. It was pretty trippy eating in a room with 200 people, and not hearing anything other than spoons clinking against plates. Kind of cool, but bizarre. I tried to be more focused and notice more of the “little things”. The main little thing I noted at breakfast is that the oats they serve for breakfast are “steel cut” oats. I spend the meal wondering what it even means to have steel cut oats, if there are other ways to cut oats (and if so, what they might be), and whether something about cutting them with steel makes them taste better. Not very profound.

After breakfast we had some free time – I noted with some disdain that a girl in the bathroom was using her hairdryer (not very SILENT now is it?!!), and that several people in the lounge were checking their email. I felt very superior for a few minutes, since I was doing my utmost to take it all seriously – but then I decided that was not very much in the spirit of meditation, so I let it go.

We spent the morning doing a combination of sitting meditation and walking meditation – during the walking parts I went outside. It was really too hot to be outside, but I felt claustrophobic being inside for too long. The meditation hall is the only part of the building that is air conditioned (I think they do that on purpose), so it wasn’t the heat, just being around all those people with no talking wears on you after a while. I needed my private space. We did a mixture of classic zen meditation (totally silent) and guided meditations of various types. The outside part was my favorite – trying to be more mindful of all my surroundings, more aware of details, etc.

Lunch was difficult, not because of the silence, but because of the food. Asparagus and onion quiche (that was MUCH more asparagus than it was either onion or quiche); focaccia bread, barley and leek salad; mushroom, beet & celery salad; chocolate spelt cake. I meditate for a while being thankful to the universe for the focaccia bread, and wondering why in the hell anyone would put spelt in chocolate.

The afternoon passed similarly to the morning – periods “on the mat” and periods walking. The time seemed to go much more quickly than I anticipated. I skipped out on the afternoon session where the teachers talked to us about the theory behind the meditation techniques (hearing a lecture on theory did not fit with my schema of “day of silence”). Instead, I went hiking outside. I hadn’t been out much since we got here – too hot. But there was a really nice breeze, which made it feel less hot outside than in. I hiked over the railroad tracks and down to the river. West Point is right across the river from here, and you can see the buildings of the campus. I wonder what it would be like trying to get West Point cadets to meditate. On the way back I saw two deer – a buck and a doe. I thought about my dad, and how much he would like to see them (though, honestly, he would like it even more if it were hunting season and he could take them home in a cooler!). They weren’t more than 10 yards away from me. I was as quiet as I could be, but eventually I spooked them. The buck ran before the doe did, which I thought was interesting.

We had a break before dinner. I see one of the Buddhist monks talking on his cell phone, and I only feel the tiniest bit disdainful before I just smile and let it go.

Dinner was even more difficult than lunch: moroccan stew, which included chick peas, carrots, raisins, currants, tomatoes and zucchini (obviously the leftovers from the weekend!), couscous, cooked cabbage, and mixed greens. I kid you not. I meditate on the fact that they are obviously choosing to serve us the crappy leftovers on the silent day since they know we can’t complain. I pick the mushy zucchini out of the stew and think about how hungry I will be for my steel-cut oats by breakfast time.

After dinner was more meditating. I try to pull my thoughts back in from how hungry I am, and focus on good things. I spend a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am that I have a husband I can trust to take care of my kids for 10 days so that I can do this, and all the other things (like scrapbooking retreats) that are possible because of him. Then I get a little sidetracked thinking about showing him my gratitude when I get home and have to refocus.

As I was lying in bed trying to tell myself it was *not* too hot to sleep (or even breathe), I tried to focus on why this was all not clicking for me. I wished our friend Tony was here so I could talk to him about it (though I would’ve had to wait until morning anyway). But, that is kind of a long story in and of itself, and this post is too long already, and not over yet.

After the morning meditation this morning, the silence officially ended. I found I wasn’t quite prepared to deal with the chaos of the dining room – way too loud after so long in silence. So I went outside for a walk around the grounds until it was late enough to call Craig and the kids. So good to hear their voices! Eli was very funny, when I had explained the silence to him on Sunday, he just said “WHAT?!!” – it was just totally beyond his comprehension how anyone could be quiet all day long (if you know Eli, you can easily see why this would be … the boy never shuts up!). So he was amazed that I had, in fact, not talked for two whole nights and one whole day. Samara seemed to get it, but was glad it was over. Craig was awesome as always – so supportive and reassuring!

Now I am using our post-breakfast break to write this, while it’s all still fresh in my mind. Bottom line – I liked the peacefulness of the silence, but I don’t think I will be continuing to practice mindfulness once I am home. We’ll see…

  

Related posts:

1. The Night Before Silence
2. Day two at the monastery…
3. First night at the monastery…
4. Later on day one at the monastery…
5. I am going to a monastery…

1 Comment »

1. 

   How do you know it wasn’t clicking for you?

   At the very least, you had the fodder to write things that made me laugh a lot.

   Eating in a large room with no one talking is really trippy, isn’t it? I still remember the taste of the bread the first time I did that…14 years ago now? Perhaps you’ll always remember steel-cut oats….

   BTW…I saw a comment on the previous entry about finding a good sitting posture. I want to second that one. I used to use a prayer bench, till my knee flared up. I moved to a chair and have stayed there because I somehow broke the danged bench. It works. Perhaps someday I’ll shift to cross legged, but I’ve enough other things I’m more inclined to work on for awhile.

   I need to run to prep for students, then cook a lasagne. Tonight’s the last night of the year for my meditation group, and our third exercise the last night is always “eating meditation…”

   Best part is that no one puts spelt in the chocolate. Well, that and that someone brings champagne….

   Tony

   Comment by Tony — ח סיון תשסח @ 11:41 am

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